“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”

I have not wrote on my blog for far to long! But hey I am now, so that counts as something. As I said in my last post I am pregnant! Right now I am 6 in a half month along and we are expecting a little baby boy! We could not be more excited for this fun new adventure that has already brought us so much joy and happiness. Its amazing to me how such a little thing can be so real even before he is actually here. We have not fully decided on names (ok well we have, but I have this fear he will come out and his name we picked will not fit him at all) but we both LOVE the name Emmett James Baird. Now here I am going to talk all about why it fits him and la da da da da and then like I said he will come out and it will be a totally different name. But he truly already has a personality all his own! He seems to have a lot of James personality, which kind of freaks me the heck out to think I will have TWO of him!! It is rather funny how spunky he already seems to be. If I lay a way he does not like he gives me a big kick! Also, he is EXTREMELY active, but when James is at work he seems to quiet down a little, then the second James walks in the door and starts talking he goes crazy kicking all over the place! He totally knows who his daddy is and already adores him. 

Here is a picture of our sweet little boy at our 20 week appointment!! 

 This was our very first ultra sound appointment!

This picture was taken in Newport, California. We had the opportunity to go there again, and lucky for us it was when we were pregnant for the second time!! It is crazy to look back and think of the last time we went there, and although it was fun it was hard to remember the loss of our first sweet heart. My heart aches even now when I think of that miscarriage, and its one of those feeling that I do not believe will ever go away. But it was also comforting at the same time. It is unbelievable to me to think I would have a two year old at this point!! Oh how fun it would have been, but I am a true believer that things happen for a reason, and although my heart breaks for the loss we endured, I truly know our little one is in heaven looking down on us, and is very proud of the life we have made for ourselves. It is funny the lessons you learn from life when a heart breaking experience happens. I learned so much about myself, and who I wanted to be. Our little angel was the turning point in my life, and has made me the mother I will be for our little boy. I will never take this baby I am now having nor any of my other children for granted, for I know the blessing it is to have them <3

    Sweet picture of us in Newport when we were pregnant with our first little angel. 

And a picture from this last trip, pregnant with our sweetheart, Baby Emmett. 

I am so excited for this baby to be here and its given me the opportunity to really think about what kind of mother I plan to be. It is scary to think its really happening sometimes, and just like anyone else... I do have fears. For instance silly things like what will I tell my children when they ask why I wore a strapless dress for my wedding, or bigger things such as telling them about having sex before I was married. But then I realize that my children are going to have trials just like I had, they are going to make mistakes and I plan to be 100 percent honest with my kids, because I feel that I will be a good example of making a decision that was not the best and then making it better. They will see that people are not going to be perfect, but that if we strive to do better it will work out for the best. 

And now a little bit of a blast from the past.... 

This is a picture of me when I was three!! We are guessing this will be a blonde hair blue eyed little boy!

 James has always had a love for dogs. We have two German Shepherds that are absolutely beautiful and James started learning to train them at a very young age. He does a great job and works hard at it (along with everything else he does.) 

 James is the second one on the left. From the sounds of things he was quite the silly goose (and still is.) 

 This last picture is a picture of James with his youngest brother Grant. He is always so protective and even very young he always was a helper. His mom tells a story of them having to buy a smaller vacuum because James was determined to vacuum the stairs at two years old. He amazed me everyday with his determination and his willingness to work. He never stops! And I sure wish I could have half the enthusiasm he has about life. I cannot wait  to see him as a daddy and for this amazing journey that never ends! <3

A mother's joy begins when a new life is stirring inside...when a tiny heartbeart is heard for the first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone~

I am finally pregnant!!! Yay! I am not sure who is more excited between me and James. It feels like we have been waiting for this for forever!! And now it is really here and happening!! James has been smiling every day of every hour since we found out, and it makes me fall in love with him all over again. To wake up in the mornings and know there is 3 of us laying in bed finally absolutely takes my breath away.

      I cannot believe the journey I have taken, I look back and no without a doubt everything has happened for a reason. That reason being this baby, this blessing of having an eternal family. I could not be more lucky than to have James, the man of my dreams, to share this amazing miracle with. My life is so perfect <3 I am also so grateful to the Savior and his blessings. The gospel is a truly extraordinary thing. So powerful and so true. 

       This baby is already so loved, and I am so excited to be a mother. To hold that baby in my arms and look into its sweet little eyes knowing that it is my job to care, love, and teach. I am so in love already!!!

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.~

Lately I have had the burning question in my head. It's with me everywhere I go.... WHO CAN I INSPIRE? This leads to further questions, how can I inspire? Have I already inspired? And what will become of it? I do not know why or how or what, but I feel like I am suppose to change someone's life.. And I don't mean in a little way like smiling at someone who is having a bad day. I mean influencing their life in a HUGE way! Do I sound crazy yet :-) so hear I go trying in my first attempt to inspire or to help someone in a HUGE way or maybe even a little way ;-)

Lately I have been able to gain a new perspective on my life. The life I was living a year ago compared to the life I am living now is completely different. I always had this negative perception when I was asked about getting pregnant and my misscariage, I always walked away from those conversations feeling somewhat offended. But now I realize that I can use my story to inspire others in more ways than just one.
For instance; when I got pregnant I lost just about every friend I had. Then to my devistation I miscarried. When I miscarried I wanted so badly to have a friend there to hug me while I cried, or to tell me they were there for me... But plain and simple I did not. I wished so badly someone would see how bad I was truly hurting instead of judging my situation. I hope people who are not pregnant, but may have a friend who is pregnant or who has had a baby in high school to just take a step back and put your self in the shoes of that girl. Run through how you would feel if you were put in that situation. ( I bet you just judged again and thought you would never have sex so would never put yourself in that position guess what no one is perfect) I would encourage you to befriend someone in this position instead of delete them out of your life. Even something as simple as an email to let them no you are thinking of them would help I promise!
Also I hope one day we can all understand that other peoples expierence can actually teach us valuable life lessons. I loved seminary in high school, but dropped out early. I am sure they did not mean to make me feel awkward, but I was put in that position. My circumstances were different I do understand that. Yes I was a married high school student in seminary, and yes I had gotten pregnant and miscarried. I hope that church members can realize everyone has challenges, but it is up to us as members of the church to uplift and accept people with no judgement. I believe and no that God is the one and only perfect judge. Leave it to Him to judge people and instead lend a helping hand to someone who is struggling, you never know but you could very well be the person that helps them back on there feet. Realize that we were sent to earth expecting to have challenges put in front of us. I know we came to this earth knowing it would not be easy. The world seems to be getting worse and worse when it comes to temptation, but the truth is that it is a fact of this life no matter where you go or how much you try to hide from it, it is sadly apart of the world. So instead of judging and trying to hide you and others from it, LEARN FROM IT! Regardless of if it is your mistake or someone else's I promise you can take something from it.
So I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone and to really get to know someone that you maybe would never think to talk to. They may even seem like they have the perfect life, but they really could be struggling and need someone to let them know they care. I encourage you also to make wise decisions, think three times before you act on a tough decision. And to everyone out there who is struggling, know that I think you are an amazing and beautiful person! Know that I have been there and I have felt that hopelessness you may be feeling, but I promise you with all my heart there is hope and happiness and I also promise that you can find it if you look hard. Never ever give up of your dreams. Tomorrow is a new day so wake up and hold your head high, but a big smile on the beautiful face, and follow your dreams!!

*I will wait here for you all my life*

Today I wait...
I wait for my husband to get home from work: Although this job has been a major blessing to our family, it is about killing me! I keep asking myself if it is a bad thing for me to be so dependent on my husband. I honestly do not know how to keep my day going when he is gone... it really is rather pathetic, but at least he knows I love him! I am a very quiet and shy person or as some people would call it an introvert. I do not like big crouds, or complicated situations. I am very fine with sitting in my house and reading a great book. Or snuggling up to my husband... this means that when James is gone at work for 24 hours or sometimes three days then I have to go places and do things on my own... without him! And I am not liking that one bit!
I wait for a baby: Is it a bad thing that I am baby hungry at 18... and that I have been since I was probably 5?! Ha the funny thing is I really am not kidding. It is rather an odd thing. I have had it planned since I was little that I would get married young and have kids young, and sure enough here I am married young, but still no babies. I know call me a baby or whatever you want to call me, but I am so ready to have a baby it is not even funny! James and I have been trying to concieve for a year now and it is starting to get really hard for me to not be discouraged. Everyone tells me I need to be patient that I am only 18 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. (I think that everyone says this when something is not going my way) And I do understand there point but I the same time I feel like I am so ready. I have learned that I really am just not a patient person.... I always thought I was, but turns out guess what I am not. I swear that everyone around me is having babies and here I am left in the dust. The only thing that brings me reassurance is that I know the lord has a way of making things happen at the right time. I sometime do not understand, but I always look back years later and think OH NOW I GET IT!! Story of my life :D I also am so happy that regardless if we need to adopt or we finally do concieve that either way that baby is mine. And was always meant to be mine. I am so thankfully for The Temple and the opportunity I have to be with my family forever.
Now that I have done all my complaining I realize that I do not wait for as many things as I feel that I do. I just am so impatient! It is a good thing my hunny is patient because we may be in a world of hurt if it were not for him.
Just a little update though since I have not wrote on here for a long time. James and I moved into a place a couple of months ago... it was nice and really big and we absolutely loved it! Our land lords were so great! It was actually a house just behind theres so we shared the same yard more or less. The lady ended up being my visiting teacher companion and although she does not know it she influenced my life a ton! I do not come by very many friends anymore so when I finally get enough courage to make one they always seem to influence me greatly. But now we are moved out of that house and living with my in laws. We decided it was in our best interest to take this summer and SAVE SAVE SAVE money. So here we are. My brave mother and father in law were brave enough to let us move in as well as my brother in law and his wife! So it is a full house, but it sure is great to be with family. James also got a job in swan valley and it pays oh so good! We got a pay check and he only worked three days, and I kid you not it was more money than we have made in 5 months. All I can say is what a blessing to us. James is such a dedicated husband and never fails at blowing me away. Not many men can do the kind of work he does with so much passion. And although at times I get frustrated I am always so greatful I have a husband like him! I have taken up crocheting and am loving it! This also means that I am now selling my items. I am doing the farmers market this year... which brings me to another exciting thing! I am doing it with my dad, we have not been close for years and lately we have gotten really close. I love him so much and feel super bumbed that I ever had to miss out on such a neat man! But I am going to make up for lost time and make this relationship that I know have with him great!